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Daphné, born August 1987 in Malestroit, Bretagne

When we last performed a joint major update on this page, in 2007, this was Daphné’s favorite photo of herself. It was taken in France when she and Alban were visiting their dad just west of Paris during their 2004 summer vacation. One of her siblings in France is standing behind her.

(The photos on this page are from 1997 to 2007: later photos of Daphné are under “Children” or in the themes 2008 Journal or 2009 Journal, all on the right).

I have a warm and lasting memory of Daphné when she was only a child. It was before her maman and I got together, but after I’d fallen in love. I was eating my heart out, frankly, and used to follow Marie-Hélène around, almost like a lost puppy. All very ignominious.

Daphné on the beach at l'Etang de Carentoir in August 1992. She was five years old. I took this during one of my trips to be close to her maman.

Daphné on the beach at l’Etang du Beauché in Carentoir in August 1992. She was five years old. I took this during one of my trips to be close to her maman.

Upon this particular occasion, I had driven down to Malestroit, the Breton town where Daphné was born, to visit her maman at the cottage grand-père had lived in since his retirement. La Grée was Marie-Hélène’s favorite oasis of calm away from the stresses and strains of life in Paris. She went there for many of the French long weekends as well as for most of the school holidays. When Pierre, Daphné and Alban’s father, was not there, I visited her a couple of times. It was a way to achieve the closeness to her that I craved. There was no real possibility of advancing the relationship – the children, who were always with her served as chaperones – but being with her for a while here and there was more than enough. I was thrilled.

Here she is, dressed up to go out for St. Valentine’s Day in 2007 with her beau of the moment. This one is one of the parents’ picks for the photo album.

I don’t remember much about this particular visit. Pierre was not there, of course. I think that I slept in my little Ford RV in the Malestroit municipal “camping” on a flood plain by the river Oust. I’d see Marie-Hélène and the children when they ventured into town, or at the local swimming lake in Carentoir, and maybe a little at La Grée.

This photo, her 2007 choice again, was taken by her then boyfriend in the summer of 2003 somewhere in downtown Santa Cruz. The limo, she tells us, was just passing by. The sweat shirt is from her High School, as was her boyfriend.

Here is another parent pick, this one from a lake in Brittany near her grandfather’s cottage. It was the summer of 2007.

The surprise came when it was time to drive back. We were each going to drive separately and not try to convoy: in the old Ford RV, I could never keep up with Marie-Hélène, who loved driving in the French manner on “autoroutes:” fast!

Out of the blue, Daphné decided that she was going to accompany me on the drive back. She was five or six years old. Her maman looked a little shocked – it was a surprising initiative for a little girl – but after some hesitation gave her okay. Daphné was always central to her mother’s life. This little incident, with Daphné accepting me and obviously liking me, probably meant a lot to her.

We parents exercise our parental prerogative to put the photos of her we like here as well as her own choices. This is another of our preferences, taken with Delora at the Hanlons on Christmas Eve 2006.

We had a wonderful drive back, almost the whole way to Paris. My first thought when she asked to come with me was: “but what will we talk about?” She was so young, and we had only ever spent time together with her maman.

I needn’t have worried. She chatted on about this and that, at ease and happy alone on the back seat. Driving along and listening to her chat, I remember thinking what a precocious and adorable little girl she was.

Here’s one taken at Harbor High around November 2003. This photo again was selected by Daphné in 2007 for her web page. She graduated in 2005!!

I also remember feeling encouraged during our long drive about my prospects with her mother. If her little girl liked me enough to spend three plus hours alone with me in an old RV, that must say something about her mother’s feelings. Children channel their parents’ romantic feelings more than is realized.

The trip went very well, to the point where looking back I can barely remember anything in particular. She smiled a lot, chatting away, and before I knew it we had arrived. She always spoke very quickly, which was a challenge for my English-speaking ear – as a child, she did everything like a speedy Energizer bunny – but had a lot to say. This trip was clearly an adventure for her.

Here are Daphné and Alban with a couple of their impressive collection of siblings in France. This was taken during her summer vacation in 2001 with two of their sisters, baby Lou and Carolina. The latter are Anna’s daughters. Anna was Pierre’s next girlfriend after Marie-Hélène.

Her maman and I had arranged to meet up at the Chartres autoroute services, the last service area before Paris, so that Daphné could transfer to Marie-Hélène’s car for the balance of the ride to her home. I drove the last half hour to my home that evening with a light and happy feeling. From then on, I felt that Daphné was going to be my little friend. 

This photo was taken with Nick in 1999, just before they each became teenagers. She asked that he be cropped from the picture. And Nick asked for exactly the same cropping! His half of the same picture, dutifully cut in half to satisfy their respective requests, is on the Nick page. The complicity of their earlier years together turned in many ways into a contest for power. The joint requests for the cropped photo say it all.

Then there was her maman’s and my trip to London in March of 1994. This was our second date, our second weekend away together, one week after the first, and Daphné and Alban came too!

We took the Brittany Ferry across the channel, and of course the children loved their first trip on the big ship, with a built in movie theater, swimming pool, children’s play area and more. Arriving in Portsmouth early in the morning, we drove straight up to central London and explored Hyde Park together. It was the children’s first visit to the London their mother loved. Needless to say, we had a great time together.

Then Marie-Hélène, Daphné and Alban moved in with Nick, Tom and me in August 1994, and Daphné became and remained my only daughter. Inevitably, she has always maintained a special place in my heart.

Another photo taken by a friend, this time at the beach. That's one of the advantages of living in Santa Cruz: you don't need to go away on vacation to hit the beach. "Life's a Beach" - Santa Cruz motto.

Another photo taken by a friend, this time at the beach. That’s one of the advantages of living in Santa Cruz: you don’t need to go away on vacation to hit the beach.

But she was never as fond of me after Marie-Hélène left Pierre to move in with me. Parental separations are often brutal for the children, and the separation between Pierre and Marie-Hélène was just that. Suffice it to say that I was portrayed by Pierre as the villain of the piece.

As she became an adolescent, and then a young woman, her reserve toward me became animosity, much of the time. I think that she was more antipathic toward me than if she had been my daughter, or at least not Pierre’s. But that is hard to say. Teenagers uniformly fail to appreciate the wonderful beings who are their parents!

By the time Daphné was 15 or 16, Marie-Hélène had reached the time in our marriage when her own appreciation of me was on the decline. And this downturn went on for years, Daphné’s rebellion years.  In short, there were several significant reasons in Daphné’s emotional world for her to lose affection for me.

A little mother daughter complicity in June 2000. Daphné was almost 13, and yes, they were fooling around!

I felt terrible about it as things deteriorated between us, and tried to act as if her animosity wasn’t happening so as to discourage it. That didn’t work! My continuing to support her in the broad sense of the word, for example buying her her first car despite animosity and put-downs, ended up giving her the feeling that whatever she did, her privileges were safe. As parents, we shouldn’t have conveyed this particular message.

Of course, her feelings about me had almost no effect on Daphné! She was the only girl in our blended family, outnumbered by the five boys. This did not phase her one bit. In fact, it helped her with her maman, who was eager to ensure that her daughter was not overwhelmed by so many brothers. There’s a certain common sense to that. As a result, Daphné was to some extent immune to some of the pressures in our household, as much as any one individual could be immune in an intense and pushy group like our children. 

Anna, her father’s then girlfriend, took this one somewhere near Paris where she and Alban were staying with their father for Christmas 2000.

Her immunity was also helped by her character. She was always as strong-willed as photogenic, just like her maman.

Daphnè can just turn on that smile, almost at will, and that’s it. You’re won over. I was certainly won over, all the way back to our ride together back from Brittany when she was 5 or 6 years old.

*        *        *

Here’s one of Daphné’s contributions when she helped me update this page in 2007: “She moved with her mother and Ian (a weird looking lawyer that some like to call her step-dad) to the US in June of 1997, and is now a fully fledged adolescent FRENCH American.” She was also sort of cute like that, as a teenager.

This was taken during our Vancouver vacation in April 2003 on a footbridge Charlie remembers as “sketchy”.

The other aspect of going through the teenage years was of course her turning away from the home to make her own life outside. She did so differently from the boys, staying closer in some way to her maman, but she did it. First her social life was based on girls first, and chatting with her girlfriends took an inordinate amount of time, but after a while boys too entered the picture, very discretely as far as I was concerned. But I think she told her mother more, with the understanding that she was not to tell me. Each of the boys was pretty much a calamity at first as far as the parents were concerned, but even her mother let that go. It was all handled very discretely.

By the end of 2007, we could already feel that “She’s Leaving Home.” She was 20 years old, and had been the proud owner of her own car for years. She moved to San Francisco in 2009, and Tahoe for the first time in 2010. Bye bye Daphné. It was sad to see you go.

In a swimming pool during school, late 1998. Mr. Seffinger, her sixth grade teacher at Happy Valley School, took this one, which was her mother’s favorite for quite a while.